49 Reasons to Wonder

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“Age is just a number”

“You are only as old as you feel”

“50 is the new 30”

We’ve all heard things like this.  We’ve probably said them ourselves, or had someone say them to us.  I’ve heard them a lot lately, because by the time you read this I will have turned 49.  And I have a lot a feels about that.

I struggled with turning 30, but I was going through a divorce at the time so that made everything else seem 100 times worse.  I wallowed in self pity for a while, but I eventually got over it.  I didn’t feel anything even close when I turned 40.  I was in a much better place emotionally and mentally, so while I had a little dread leading up to the day, actually turning 40 turned out to be much ado about nothing.   I didn’t expect anything too different for the foreseeable future.

Yet, here I am, looking 49 in the face and feeling all kinds of feels.  They just snuck up on me out of nowhere and I am not entirely sure what to do with them.  I feel old.  I feel scared.  I feel like am imposter.  I feel like I should be MORE than I am.

Maybe it’s just a side effect of turning 49 in 2020.  Maybe if this was any other year I wouldn’t be contemplating mortality and the meaning of it all.   Maybe it would be just like turning 40.

Maybe.  But it isn’t.  And I am.  And I don’t know exactly what to do next.

But I have faith I’ll figure it out.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.

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