I was recently chatting with a someone who has reunited with a former partner and is in the process of moving in together with him. As happy as she is that the relationship is back on track again, she commented that she’s gotten used to living independently for the past few years and is concerned about how it will feel to give that up.
I immediately reassured her she doesn’t have to, and in fact she should NOT give up her independence. As is usually the case when I try to preach the good word of not being joined at the hip with your partner there was pushback. But I stood firm, even if I doubt it did much good.
I just cannot understand why so many people are still under the impression that a good relationship means doing everything together. Sure, we all know that one couple who works together and can’t imagine being apart for more than a couple hours. And if that works for you I’m happy for you.
But that is not the only way. I would argue that for the vast majority of people that type of togetherness is a one-way trip to resentment and boredom. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you cease to exist as a unique person. Your partner fell in love with you. With what makes you special and unique. And you fell in love with what makes them special too. So why then once the relationship is underway would you throw all that away?
Of course shared interests are important. If you have nothing in common with your partner at all you are going to run out of things to talk about pretty quickly. But if you have EVERYTHING in common you will run out of things to talk about pretty fast too.
Many people think my husband and I err on the side of being too independent. We take separate vacations so often that it has led people to question the state of our marriage. I’m happy to report that we are just fine thank you. In fact we are better than fine- we frequently marvel that it doesn’t feel like we have been married anywhere near our 20 years together. And that’s because while we do truly enjoy each other’s company we also understand that having our own lives and our own interests is important to our happiness as individuals. And happier people make for happier coupling.
So you do you. A good partner will thank you for it.