September is Suicide Prevention month. The month is almost over, but suicide prevention- and metal health awareness in general- are things I care deeply about.
I’ve been very open about my mental health struggles for the most part. I’ve talked about my teenaged suicide attempts. I’ve talked about supporting friends and family members with metal health conditions. I’ve talked about the need to remove the stigma around metal health issues.
But there is one specific symptom that I’ve struggled with for most of my life that I’ve almost never discussed. Not with my family. Not with my doctor. Not even with my therapists. (yes that’s plural).
That is skin picking. It’s the earliest symptom I can recall of my anxiety and depression disorders. I can’t recall a time when I didn’t have this compulsion. I have small round scars all over my face, arms and legs. I tell people they are from chicken pox. But the majority of them are self-inflicted.
I do need to recognize that there are people who have this condition FAR worse than I do. I do not actively go looking all over my body for something to pick at. BUT if I have any kind of a small break in my skin- like a bug bite- I get the compelling desire to pick it until it bleeds. Over and over again. I currently have 2 wounds- one on my arm and one on my chest- that were simple little bug bites a week ago and now are scabs over half an inch long simply because I can’t leave them alone. The only thing that works is covering them with band-aids, but if I wear band-aids all the time the skin around the area gets irritated. And I get self conscious about having them on all the time.
So why talk about it now? Honestly I’m not really sure. Maybe because it’s front of mind right now. Maybe because I don’t want anyone else struggling with this to think they are alone like I thought I was for many years.